The Grand Tour
by Csillan.Rose
Summary: A normal person who knows absolutely nothing about the Phantom of the Opera takes a tour of the Paris Opera House, and is freaked out by all of the phangirls. Humor
1. The Paris Opera House

**Disclaimer: **Quite obviously the Phantom doesn't belong to me. Yet.

**Summary:**

A normal person who knows absolutely nothing about the Phantom of the Opera takes a tour of the Paris Opera House, and is freaked out by all of the phan-girls. (Humor)

**The Grand Tour…**

Reina Vandyke was touring Paris for the first time. She had been to all of the normal tourist sites, and so far each had been spectacular.

She looked down at her list. Next up, the Paris Opera House. Reina smiled—she loved music of all kinds, and was excited to see such a monumental place.

Her tour guide drove her up to a building that must have been magnificent, but had since fallen into disrepair. When he stopped the car, he turned and gazed at her with an uneasy expression on his face. "Are you sure you want to visit this one? We can skip it…" he looked hopeful.

Reina frowned. "Of course we can't skip it! I've been looking forward to this one. What could be so bad about it, anyway?"

"If only you knew." the tour guide muttered, then helped her out of the car and up the steps.

She noticed that there was a girl sitting on the steps on her way up. She had a disappointed look on her face, which was red as if she'd cried recently. Reina was about to stop and ask her what was wrong, but her tour guide, Derek, stopped her.

"You won't want to be doing that." he told her kindly, giving a wary look to the girl. "It might be… one of _them._"

"One of who?" Reina asked immediately.

Derek just shook his head and pulled her forward. "Let's just get this over with, please."

Reina shrugged and let herself be dragged through the two towering front doors.

The entrance hall was flooded with a gaggle of girls. "Wow, this must be a popular place to go to!" she shouted above the noise. Derek just grimaced in return and didn't answer.

As she looked around, she realized that most of the girls were wearing shirts that read "Project Phantom." She wondered what kind of organization it was. Maybe a school was visiting?

The girls all seemed to be chanting something. Something that sounded suspiciously like… Erik? Reina frowned. She didn't see anyone at the head of the crowd, and she wondered where this "Erik" was.

She was about to ask Derek who Erik was, but he stopped her. "Don't ask!" he hissed, "If one of …_them…_ hear you ask who _he_ is, you won't make it out of this place alive!"

Reina rolled her eyes. "Okay, Derek, I won't ask. You can cut the dramatics."

"I'm not being dramatic. I'm being truthful."

They walked up the stairs in blissful silence for a while, (well, you could still hear the chants of 'Erik, Erik!' from the entrance way, but that was only to be expected). Suddenly, however, they ran into yet another girl.

Derek didn't even pause to give her a second glance, but Reina stopped and watched her curiously. She appeared to be tapping on the wall, as if searching for something.

"What are you doing?" Reina finally asked.

The girl turned to look at her. They just stared at each other for a moment, before the girl whispered, "It _has_ to be around here somewhere!"

Then she turned and continued tapping on the walls.

Reina didn't understand what she meant, but decided to try and start a conversation. Maybe this person could explain things to her. "So, what's your name?"

"Christine." The girl returned automatically. She didn't ask for Reina's name.

"So… um, what are you looking for, exactly? You didn't say."

The girl gave her an incredulous look. "One of Erik's trapdoors, of course!" she exclaimed, as if this were obvious. "I know there has to be one here _somewhere_…"

Reina raised her eyebrows as the girl continued down the hall, tapping away like crazy. She was about to go after her and pursue the conversation, but Derek came back and stopped her.

"Don't_ talk _to them!" he warned, "It just provokes them!"

"It's not like they're wild animals!" Reina protested angrily, "They're human girls, just like me!"

Derek snorted, as if he really doubted that.

Next, he showed her the different kinds of seats. He sat down while she explored, with a last warning to take care of herself.

In one particularly dark seating area—one of the boxes, she thought Derek had said—she almost ran straight into yet another girl.

The girl turned and looked at her, then held a finger to her lips, silently telling Reina to be quiet. Reina watched with great interest as the girl proceeded to run her hand over the seats, then (to her amazement) began to kiss the ground.

"Er…just what are you doing?" Reina implored, unable to stop herself.

"Erik stepped here!" The girl announced with a sigh, then bent back down and continued to kiss the ground.

Reina tilted her head and watched. Who _was_ this Erik guy! You'd think he was some kind of god, or something!

"So…what's your name?" she tried to act nonchalant, but the girl was really starting to scare her.

The girl stood and stared at her. "Why, it's Christine, of course!"

Reina laughed, "You know, it's kind of funny—I just met another girl named Christine who was—"

"There _is_ no other Christine!" the girl shouted abruptly, "_I'm_ the real Christine! ME! ME, ME, ME!" Each time the girl shouted "Me" she stamped her foot.

Reina backed away. "Okay, okay…I get it. You're the real Christine. Right."

The girl's face broke into a smile as Reina began to hurry out. "Oh, and make sure that if you see Erik, you tell him that his Christine is looking for him!" she called.

Reina ran into Derek as she made her escape. He looked up and read, "Box Five," then gave her a knowing look. "You really shouldn't have gone in there. I forgot to warn you. Box Five is _his _box."

"I kind of figured that out." Reina muttered, glaring at her tour guide. "Can we continue?"

Derek nodded and led her on to the backstage area.

He was beginning to explain the different props when Reina spotted another girl and stopped him. She ran up to the girl, who was staring upwards with a look of awe on her face.

Reina just stood and looked at her for a while. Finally, she decided that the girl wasn't going to say anything. She was about to leave, when suddenly the girl jabbed her finger up into the air.

"He's there… THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!" She proclaimed it in almost a sing-song voice.

Reina looked to see where the girl was pointing, but saw nothing. "What Phantom?" She asked politely.

The girl ogled at her as if she had suddenly sprouted five additional heads. "Erik, of course!"

Erik again. She should have known.

"Oh… So Erik is a ghost?" Reina inquired, completely and utterly confused by this point. The girl nodded and continued to examine the rafters.

"And…what's your name?" She almost didn't ask.

"Christine!"

Of course it was.

After a moment, Reina shook her head and turned to Derek. "Let's go."

They were almost out of the backstage area when she saw another girl searching through the props.

"What are you looking for?"

"The Torture Room!"

"The… torture room? You're trying to find a place called the 'torture room'? Why on earth would you want to?"

"Erik might be there!" a dreamy look came over the girl's face.

"You mean the ghost?" Reina asked, hoping she got it right.

"No, the man! Erik, you know!"

"He's a man? Someone said he was a ghost…"

"Oh, well, he's that too, I suppose."

Reina smiled weakly. "Great." This was getting more complicated by the second. "And, I suppose, your name is Christine?"

"How did you know?"

Reina winced. "Well, thanks." she hurried back to Derek.

"So, where are we going next?"

He sighed and opened a door. "This leads to the hallway where the dressing rooms are. Be careful, and watch for shattered glass."

"Shattered glass? … Nevermind." she figured she didn't want to know.

She walked down the hallway, marveling at the paintings on the walls. A moment later, however, she heard a crash and went to investigate.

To her surprise, it was coming from one of the dressing rooms.

Reina pushed the door open and an extremely odd scene met her eyes.

Three girls stood in front of a line of mirrors, and one was holding a sledge hammer. As Reina watched, she swung the hammer around and shattered the mirror.

There was a pause as she peered inside of the hole where the glass had once been, and then she announced, "Nope! This isn't it!"

Reina quickly closed the door and hurried away, not even bothering to find out what they were doing. These girls were _violent_.

Then another sound met her ears. It was someone trying to sing an extremely high note. She grimaced and opened the door to a different dressing room.

There was yet _another_ girl standing in front of a mirror (which actually wasn't shattered), and singing. Badly.

"I hate to interrupt…" Reina began, "But perhaps you seem like the sanest of all of the girls I've met so far…"

The girl turned and smiled at her, eyes wide. "Can you hear him?"

Reina frowned. "Hear who?"

"My Angel!" the girl exclaimed, "The Angel of Music!"

"Oh." Reina looked nonplused. She was beginning to think this girl was every bit as creepy as all of the other ones. "And who is this angel?"

The girl raised an eyebrow at her. "What are you talking about? It's _Erik_, of course!"

* * *

(A/N: I was going to make this a one-shot, but it would be too long. Therefore it will be cut into about three chapters. Review if you want me to continue!) 

Hilary –

(Yes, the girl from "For the Love of a Phantom," if you've happened to read that.)


	2. Escaping the Lunatics

(A/N: I know it's been a while, but I'm back! And I decided to finish this off. There are only two chapters, not three. I decided to shorten it. FINALLY it's complete!)

**Chapter Two: Escaping the Lunatics**

Reina backed up slowly, not wanting to alarm the girl in front of her. "Riiight… well, I'll tell your 'angel' that you're looking for him if I see him, okay?"

"You won't see him… the angel appears only for _ME!_"

Reina smiled weakly, and then sprinted out of the dressing room. She looked around for Derek, found him, and didn't stop running until she reached him. "Please…let's get…out of here!" she panted.

"I couldn't agree more." Derek began making his way to the exit, Reina following closely behind. She followed him until she saw a set of stairs leading down into the basement of the Opera House.

"Wait! Is this where they keep all of the old costumes? I would really like to see them all… maybe we can afford one last stop." She started down the stairs, ignoring Derek's shouted warnings and protests. After all, there was nothing dangerous about costumes, props, and sets, was there?

She soon found that it wasn't the costumes that she had to worry about.

About three quarters of the way down the steps, she ran into a girl with long blonde hair. "Oh! I'm sorry…It's just so dark down here I didn't see you."

"That's okay." The girl told her cheerfully. "It's nice to meet you! My name is—"

"No, wait, don't tell me. Christine."

The girl's face dropped. "No. I'm Meg. I wanted to be Christine, but…" she sighed dramatically. "I'm an alto."

Reina didn't have a clue what she was talking about. She knew that 'alto' was a voice part, but she didn't see what that had to do with the girl's name. But this girl appeared saner than the other ones… _hopefully_.

"It's nice to meet you, Meg. I'm Reina."

Meg's face twisted in disgust. "Oh… you're supposed to be one of those _Other Woman_ characters, aren't you? Me, I prefer Erik/Meg stories… they're just so much more… _romantic_." The girl lifted her nose into the air. "All of those _Other Woman _characters are always so crappy. Amateurs." She sniffed. "I'm going to go find Erik. _Cuuutsie piie! Where aaare you!_"

With that, Meg turned on her heal and pranced down the steps. Reina stared at her retreating back in confusion. What did she mean, Reina was an _Other Woman_ character? Reina was _Reina_. She shook her head to herself and continued down the steps.

When she got down there, to her surprise, she didn't see Meg. _So much for the better… she didn't seem very nice._ But then, none of the girls here seemed very _sane_, so maybe it wasn't her fault.

Reina walked around, exploring the basement. All of the old sets and costumes were roped off, but she enjoyed looking at them anyway. She was just staring at an old set for Hannibal as she was walking, when she tripped over a girl on the floor.

Reina pushed herself back to her feet and gave the girl an odd look. She was crouched on the ground, staring into the depths of what seemed to be…

A puddle.

Reina's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "What are you—"

"SHHH! _He might hear you._" The girl spoke in such a soft voice that Reina could barely hear _her_.

"He who?" _Tell me she's not going to say Erik… please, not Erik…_

The girl whipped around and stared at Reina as if she had just sprouted several extra heads. "What do you mean, _he who?_ EVERYONE knows…"

_She's going to say Erik. I just _know_ she's going to say Erik. What is wrong with these people! AND WHO IS ERIK?_ Reina waited for the girl to finish…

"Absolutely EVERYONE knows that the Siren is in the lake!" The girl pointed dramatically to the puddle.

"Erm…" Reina smiled painfully, "I hate to burst your bubble, really, I do… But that's not a lake. It's a puddle."

The girl just stared blankly at her for a moment, and then rolled her eyes. "Of _course_ it's the lake… we're in the basement, aren't we?"

Reina bit her lip, and then figured it was better just to play along. After all, this was the only girl who was looking for someone besides _Erik_, and though it was clear that she was…well, not quite right in the mind…neither was anyone _else_ in this building. "So… the Siren lives in the lake. Umm… why don't you want it to hear you?"

"Not _it_… _he_. And if he hears me, he might mistake me for one of those _other_ girls," she rolled her eyes, "And then he might drown me. And then, he would probably die of grief because he killed his poor Christine."

_Christine. No! There was that name again!_ "Umm… so, you're Christine…"

"Of _course_ I'm Christine! Can't you tell?" The girl pointed to her head, and Reina noticed for the first time that she was wearing a wig. A curly, brown-haired wig. "I prefer the brown-haired Christine to the blonde-haired Christine. What about you?" The girl stared at her as if _daring_ her to say that she liked the blonde Christine.

"Right… The brown-haired Christine is _definitely_ the best." Reina reassured her.

'Christine' smiled. "I knew it! Now, I have to wait here on this side of the lake. Erik is _sure_ to be along soon in his boat to pick me up."

"E-Erik?" Reina asked, immediately taking a step back. So the girl _was_ one of them! "Um…I thought you were looking for…uh… the Siren."

The girl stared incredulously at her. "Erik _is_ the Siren!"

Of course he was.

Reina ran for it.

As she vaulted back up the steps, she thought to herself, _Ghost, man, angel, and now Siren! What the heck_**is**_ Erik!_

When she reached the top of the stairs, she found Derek standing there waiting for her. "Why didn't you warn me!" she demanded, running her fingers through her disheveled brown hair.

"I tried." Derek told her apologetically. "_Now_ can we leave?"

"YES."

The two ran all of the way back to the lobby, where they stopped dead in their tracks. A gaggle of girls with 'Project Phantom' shirts on were gathered around a man with short blonde hair and a small blonde mustache. He was glancing around nervously at all of the hostile faces.

Reina suddenly realized what was different… they weren't chanting "Erik" anymore. Now, they were chanting something else…

"Punjab! Punjab! Punjab! Punjab! Punjab!" The chanting grew increasingly louder, and then one of the girls in Project Phantom stepped up to the poor man with blonde hair. "How dare you trespass upon Erik's sacred ground!" she hissed. The chanting of "Punjab" had stopped. Now all of their eyes were trained on the girl and the young man.

"I—I—I'm only visiting! M-My father is the patron of many opera hou—"

The poor man didn't get any further. Suddenly, the girl whipped out a kind of lasso and put it around his neck. "You forgot to put your hand at the level of your eyes!" she exclaimed.

"Derek… we have to do something! They're going to _kill_ him!"

"No, they won't." Derek leaned on the railing. "Security always shows up before they do anything _too_ bad."

"D-Don't hurt me! I'll leave right away!" The young man was now stammering.

"That's what you _say_, Raoul, but we know better! You're here to try to ruin Erik's life again! You broke his heart when you stole Christine from him!" the girl tightened the rope further.

"What are you talking about? M-My name i-isnt' Raoul! It's Todd!"

The girl made an exasperated noise. "Of _course_ it is, Raoul." She tightened the rope even more.

"Hey!" One of the girls in the crowd suddenly exclaimed, "Is that rope made from _real_ cat gut?" She sounded excited.

The girl with the rope apparently forgot what she was doing at the moment and turned to the other one. "Yeah, it is! Funny story… you see, we hit a cat on the way to a Phantom convention, and I thought… hey, it's dead already, right? It doesn't need its guts! So I—"

Todd threw up.

Reina looked at Derek, horrified. "They're lunatics! All of them! Lunatics!"

"You only just figured that out?" Derek asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, no… but I didn't think they were _dangerous_ lunatics! We have to help that poor young man!" Before Derek could stop her, she shouted, "What are all of you doing! Release Todd at once!"

More than five hundred sets of eyes looked up at her. She gulped.

"Why?" The girl holding the lasso asked, frowning. "He's here to hurt Erik!"

"No I'm not!" Todd cried frantically.

"No he's not!" Reina echoed. "Just let him go!"

The girl beside the one with the lasso nudged her and whispered loudly, "She's one of those _Raoul_ fan girls."

The girl with the cat gut made a gagging sound. "One of _two_!"She told the other girl.

"No… probably more than two now. It seems that the guy in the movie gained sympathy." The other girl sounded disgusted.

"Only because he _cried_ during The Point of No Return!"

"Oh yeah… I laughed my head off at that part… the person in back of me threw their popcorn at my head…"

While they talked, Todd carefully lifted the rope off of his neck and started sneaking away. That is, until one of the other girls saw him. "HEY! RAOUL'S GETTING AWAY! ATTAAAACK!"

"Okay, while their busy, let's get out of here." Derek whispered, pushing Reina in the small of her back to get her moving. It didn't take much… she took the steps by twos and soon the two of them were at the door.

They were about to step outside when suddenly one of the Project Phantom girls yelled, "FOR ERIK THE MAGNIFICENCT!"

Then all of the other girls started to take up the cry…

"ERIK THE ANGEL!"

"ERIK THE GHOST!"

"ERIK THE MAN!"

"ERIK THE SIREN!"

"ERIK THE PHANTOM!"

"ERIK THE VENTRILOQUIST!"

"ERIK THE GENIUS!"

"ERIK THE ARCHITECT!"

"ERIK THE MAGICIAN!"

"ERIK THE—"

"_THAT'S IT!"_ Reina yelled in frustration, _"WHO THE HECK IS ERIK?"_

All of the color drained from Derek's face, and the phan-girls suddenly were very, very quiet. They all seemed to forget about Todd as the one in front said in a dangerously soft voice, "_What_ did you just say?"

"I said… uhh… I said…" All of their eyes were on her, now. They were glinting dangerously, and several of the girls were fingering their pockets as if they were about to pull out a dagger… or maybe more cat guts…

Reina backed away, shaking. "I said…" she looked apologetically at Todd… "I said… GET RAOUL!"

There was a moment of silence, and then all of the girls cheered. They turned and resumed chasing Todd around the entrance.

Reina turned to a very relieved-looking Derek and told him, "Now… _let's get out of here. _**Please!"**

The two ran down the steps to the cab just as the security police pulled in, sirens blaring. A bunch of policemen got out of their cars and began jogging up the steps. As one of them passed Reina she heard him mutter, _"The fifth time this week…"_

Derek opened the door to the cab for her, and she got in without hesitating.

"Where do you want to go next?" Derek asked her as he got in the front.

"I want…I want to go…_Home._"

"Home it is."

The cab peeled away from the front of the Opera House just as there was a noise that sounded suspiciously like a chandelier falling…

Reina never returned to the Opera House. Or Paris, for that matter. Instead, for her next trip, she decided to visit some of the old Persian castles… she'd heard that they had once had some interesting torture techniques..."

END.

* * *

(A/N: I had a lot of fun writing this… Being a phan myself, I know how crazy we can get sometimes. And, sadly, I'm not sure that I exaggerated _anything_…

But now, the only thing I have to say at the end of my story is…

GET RAOUL!

Hilary (AKA: Christine.)


End file.
